So I kinda really wanna do this:

The Base

Today I must:
Go to gym. -Done
Weigh myself. -Done. 67kg, that's a loss of 3kg so far :)
Call College to arrange either re-enrollment or deferral. -Done
Start my paintings :)

Fucking NYE.

Fucking idiot.

Fucking emotions.

Fucking expectations.

Fucking assumptions.

Fucking moron.

Fucking dependency.

Fucking relationships.

Fucking friendships.

Fucking sex drive.

Fucking hormones.

Fucking secrets.

Fucking liar.

Fucking loneliness.

Fucking bullshit.

Feeling intensely nauseous. And on the verge of tears.

God damn it.

I feel nauseous.

So yeah, awesome, car accident two days before christmas.

Then a really mediocre Christmas Eve and Day.

This year appears to be ending on a low.

Was invited to Borg's New Years Eve party, and although my initial thought was "yay I will at get a NYE kiss", I have since revised my plans and decided I just want to hang out with some of my favourite people. Don't get me wrong, there would be a few of my favourite people AT Borg's, but no where near as nice as hanging with James, Rhys and Rocco. At my house. Now Bec, if you read this before I get to ask you any other way, you are invited too. Emma, I know you'll be at Peats ridge, so know I did think of you without clothes ;) Dwyer, you're also invited. I have already asked you what you're doing and have got no reply do this is your fault, not mine, if you read this before getting back to me.

I broke my friend and ordered a new one. I consider it a christmas present to myself.

Money, money, money. Working heaps this week, including two public holidays and a sunday, which means epic pay. We got a new playlist (finally) and Muse is on it, so I'm happy as larry. It influenced me to listen to Undisclosed Desires loudly on my iPod during my break while I was alone in the lunchroom...and I was so into it I started dancing around. I wouldn't know if anyone saw me, all I can say is, I hope not. Cannot wait to see them live :)

Tim and Jess broke up. I don't know details.

Got a blu-ray player; our home entertainment system is complete and BANGIN'.

And that is all.

Wow. I haven't drunk in quite a while...just had a whole bottle of champagne with mum...hung out with mum and dad just chatting and stuff all evening. It's been nice.

But I feel so light-headed. And I've just remembered I have to pick Chris up...my BAC limit is zero.

Pure hilarity:

The Year in Trashbaggery 2009, by Lifelounge

Please don't say we're done
When I'm not finished
I could give you so much
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard it before

2009 IS ALMOST OVER

Hook up with anyone?
Yup

Lost a friend?
Nope

Stayed single almost the whole year?
10.5/12

Kissed anyone new?
lol...yes.

Worst memory?
Bah.

Had your heart broken?
Hmm. No.

Had a stalker?
No

Done something you've regretted?
Oh yeah

Lost someone?
No

Cut class?
I hated being there.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
A few things I'll never forget this year :)

Visited a different country?
Never in my life

Cooked a gross meal?
Similar to Emma, I somehow fucked up pasta. I blame mum though, she told me it was ready so I left it in the pot thinking she'd drained it. Moral of the story: Mum's a filthy liar always double check everything.

Lost something important to you?
My ring; but Faz found it and is keeping it safe until I can pick it up.

Got a gift you adore?
hmmm...iPod? :)

Dyed your hair?
For the first time ever! A deep red/purple.

Came close to losing your life?
No

Went to a party?
Sure did!

Read a great book?
Yep...but I did little reading this year :(

Saw one of your favorite bands / artists live?
ONE? I saw plenty. :)
The Kooks, Arctic Monkeys, Phoenix, I shouldn't admit this as a favourite, but 3OH!3, N.E.R.D., Deadmau5, Dappled Cities...quite a few others but I can't put them in the favourite category.

Saw someone famous in person?
Does shunning the lead of Oh Mercy count?

2009: Your Love Life

Did you break up with anyone?
Yes

Did someone break up with you?
No

Did you get anything for Valentine's day?
Kisses and cuddles/Kisses and cuddles.

Did you meet anyone special?
I consider Jess special. I also consider Paul (UB for those who remember) special, but for very different reasons...hahaha

Do you like someone right now?
I'd say no but it would only be bravado.

2009: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Yep!

Person you hated most?
I don't hate, I just strongly dislike.

Did you resolve any fights?
When it involves me, it's not so much conflict resolution as me becoming completely passive to avoid actually addressing the problem. I can't stand fights so I tend to just accept everything as my fault even if I don't believe it is.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
I think so.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
...yes.

BIRTHDAY:
Did you have a cake?
TMNT Ice-cream cake! woo!

Did you have a party ?
I had dinner and I had a gathering at Workers :) Good times.

Did you get any presents?
Sure did

If so what was the best thing you got?
The iPod, the Dappled-y goodness and the funtimez' are a close tie...

2009:

Did you change at all this year?
I became more selfish if anything.

Did you change your style?
Becoming more and more girly.

Were you in school?
In college, yes.

Did you get good grades?
Mostly C's and P's, so no, not really.

Did you have a job?
Targay

Did you drive?
Yeah

Did you own a car?
No :(

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Rosanne was last year...so no, I guess not.

Did you move at all?
I'm not quadriplegic.

Did you go on any vacations?
Not really. I went to the Hunter a couple of time, but I hardly call them vacations.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
Everything.

2009: Wrap Up.

Was 2009 a good year?
...It was largely unfulfilling. Self-destructive and unmotivated. There were a lot of great things that happened, regarding both friends and family, but I'm not feeling positive about the year at all.

Motivation for 2010:
Hah. None really. All I'm looking at is getting a car. I think I may defer 6 months as well. Get healthy and happy again. Then go back to college and get my bachelor.

So a few nights ago my friend was drunk at a party and started messaging me. About half way through my conversation with him, this also happened:

Unknown person: wtf? who the hell is this?
Me [pretty certain as to what's going on, but not knowing who it is]: Er why don't you introduce yourself first since I don't have your number and have no idea how you got mine.
Unknown person: Could u introduce urself? I got a msg saying to contact u on this number...Do i know u?
Me: Uh huh.Why would you be randomly told to contact me if you don't know who I am?
Unknown person: Yeah that's a good question... Which is why I'm asking, who u are?
Me: No. you tell me how you got this number and i'll tell you who i am.
Unknown person: From a dude named brendan?? He said u were cool.
Me [now pretty shitty and knowing exactly what's going on]: Um. What? Look I don't use my credit on people I don't even know. I don't exactly appreciate my number being given out either. Nothing personal, but I'm sure you'd understand if you were me right now.
Unknown person: I understand. FML.

I lol'd the next day once I'd had some decent sleep and wasn't epically pissed off with my brother anymore either.

I
AM
SO
DAMN
RANDY

"So mum, how was Tim's formal?"
"SO MANY FAT GIRLS WEARING TIGHT DRESSES!!"

...bahahahahhahahah. This is why I love her.

FUCKING ROBERT

GAH.

Alas.

The results of the questionnaire you completed on the 25/10/2009 indicate that:
Your level of agape is low, suggesting that you do not think you, or anyone else, is capable of unconditional love.
Your level of eros is average, suggesting that you believe in the ideal of romantic love with some reservations, you may occasionally fall in love quickly, and your level of commitment to the relationship is average.
Your level of ludus is high, suggesting that you may sometimes see love as a bit of a game, and often enjoys flirtatious relationships with others.
Your level of mania is high, suggesting that you may feel quite dependant on the relationship, and in many situations you may experience fear of being abandoned.
Your level of pragma is low, suggesting that you may not believe that, in love, one should not hope to make social or financial gains.
Your level of storge is high, suggesting that you may believe that a close friendship is the most important criterion of the relationship, and you may strive to make your partner your best friend as well.
In comparison to the overall sample.

Really didn't want to post twice, but to hell with that because I have fallen deeply, madly in love with this song.
Coincidentally, it's a pretty intense love song.


I know you've suffered,
But I don't want you to hide,
It's cold and loveless,
I won't let you be denied

Soothing,
I'll make you feel pure,
Trust me,
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine

Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

Emma and co. have probably heard these songs a million times...but oh man I love them.

Vanilla
British India

Forget Prior engagements
Cancel your plans
Let's do something amazing
While we still can
I'm floating above you
High on your kiss
We're splashed like paint on the pavement
A beautiful waste
I'll drop bombs in the valley
If he comes near you
I'm gonna make something happen
Watch what you do

I can't breathe underwater
I can't stand in the air
But I will tear up your whole world
And not even care

So make lists of your lovers
People you kiss
Then tear them to pieces
Forget they exist
My hometown's a wasteland
Frightened of ghosts
We're splashed like paint on the pavement
This isn't my home

Little Lion Man
Mumford And Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
you'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself,
take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
you know that you have seen this all before
tremble little lion man,
you'll never settle any of your score
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
i really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

Music also:
Loving Metric, loving new Muse, the Bloody Beetroots (going to Stereosonic, fuck yeah!), Virgins, Furr by Blitzen Trapper, and some Dead Letter Circus.


Long story: James' expectations of how friday night would turn out (with me) were not satisfied. Instead of going with him, Rhys and Rocco to Workers I stayed at The Mill. He got unreasonably angry with me for it. I, with my attachment to him, and neediness, become intensely upset in the wake if his wrath. I cry for three days as he takes out his anger on me verbally, in his passive aggressive way. None of this is my fault either, so I cry more that I'm crying about it, and that I'm apologising. I give him freddo frogs and make a card as a peace offering, turning up at his house not knowing he was at work. His dad, Dilvo, answers the door and we have awkward times as he can see I've been crying and he doesn't know how to react. I humbly decline his offer to stay for a drink.
Dilvo calls James almost immediately. James calls me after this and sounds now somewhat guilty.
We talk things over.
He threw a lot of emotional blackmail at me. It was an effort, I suppose, to bring me down so my rejection of him wouldn't feel so bad.

His reasons for being mad:
1) I ditched my friends, and 'rejected' the ride home without a sorry or thanks anyway.
2) "b. Your mum knew you were going with me. In an awful pseudo boyfriend way, I felt responsible for you."
3) "c. after the previous two nights... whatever." (i.e. We'd been flrting madly.)

My response:
"I've already apologised, and I've already said what I thought. You, Rhys and Rocco aren't my only friends. The rudeness was in excusable. The responsibility was nice and I thankyou for that and I'm sorry you felt irresponsible, but again, I'm not a baby. Mum knows me better than that. And finally, I'm not your girlfriend (a well established fact), and I don't belong to you, and although i'll admit I had expectations too, just like I can't rely on you for anything, you can't possibly expect I'll be there on call."

All's good now.

Except its become obvious how complicated things really are. Because it's too easy to know his main problem was jealousy.



Otherwise, I really enjoyed that night at the Mill, but I cannot do it again if the same people are present. It just gets too hard.
If you're completely ruthless, the choices, the options of what guy to choose from would be great. Most people would kill for that position, to have pickings. But I couldn't take it, it let too many people down, and I felt guilty about everything. Not in the least because my OWN expectations weren't satisfied.


Maybe I should just make my relationship with Emma exclusive.

 As soon as I wake up, there's this state of complete nirvana where everything is beautiful and wonderful; and I am blissfully happy.

Then the trials of life float back.

 

It breaks my heart when I remember.

The tears on your face.

Your voice breaking.

Getting out of your car for the last time in the semi-darkness. Wanting so badly to touch you, to hug you, to let you know I cared that I'd hurt you.

But knowing I couldn't.

Saying goodbye.

 

My silence probably made it worse, but I've never been one to talk much about how I really feel.

You asked if we could maybe try and make it work, but I shook my head. I can't do it.

You have a problem being close to people, you said.

You tried to make a joke, but the forced laughter was stolen from our breath in the frosty air.
 

You said that in best experience it's better if you never talk to me or see me again. Oh god, the sound of your voice at that point.

I want to be your friend, I really do. Because I'll miss talking to you.

You said you'd try.

 

 

You had absolutely no idea; no warning.

It had to be done.

 

It breaks my heart

that I broke yours.